Archive for Relationships

Been Dumped Advice

Breaking up is hard to do – but it’s something we all seem to go through at one time or another. Well most of us do anyway. It seems to affect us similarly whether we are young or old, famous or not, rich or poor and irrespective of where we are in the world. Below are a few suggestions that will hopefully help you decrease your recovery time and maybe minimize the amount of mistakes made along the way.

1) Don’t try to be their friend – make a “clean break”

As tempting as it is, if you are still in love with your EX, and he or she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings and intensity, then you’re better off making a clean break. I call it E.R. (”Emotional Rehab”) – which is basically just my way of saying “time to go cold turkey”.

Most people choose to ignore my advice, and remain their ex’s friend – somehow imagining if they do continue to be this wonderful, supportive friend, their EX will miraculously see the err of their ways – and take them back. That so seldom happens.

Now some of you will insist on remaining “friends” with your ex (or have to due to classes, jobs or children together), so if you are attempting this, be sure to set some ground rules. For example, do not discuss your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else that you know to be a potentially volatile subject. Resist every urge in you to ask those personal questions – most of the time the answers hurt! Keep conversations relevant to work, children or classes and away from any emotional topics. It is not easy, but it is achievable.

Eventually many non-believers come back to SYBD and say they finally had to take my advice and “cut contact”, because it really is too hard trying to be someone’s “buddy” – when you’re wanting more. This is especially true when your EX starts seeing someone new and starts asking you for advice (yes really!) or tries to share the gory details. No thanks. You’re better off saying – “I care for you, and maybe in time, when I am over the pain, we can resume a friendship.”

While it is rare, in some instances, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder and they do realize what they have been missing and reconciliation is on the cards. In others, the time apart actually serves to make you see the relationship for how it really was, and shocking as this may be to you right now, in time you just may realize you don’t want to be their friend after all! Finally, after you are over your EX and no longer harbor secret desires to get back together then you can really become “just friends”.

2) Do erase their telephone number from your mobile phone

As text messaging is such a HUGE thing, you’d be wise to delete their name and number from your mobile phone (and address book) straight away. You may also be able to bar their number from your phone too. Deleting your ex’s details will save you phoning or texting at 4am to ask “Why? Why? Why?” you were dumped, or save you from begging your ex, drunkenly, to take you back. That method seldom (if ever) works for reconciliation. It often has the adverse effect. Who enjoys getting woken up in the middle of the night by someone’s incoherent rantings? Or by being bombarded by text messages from someone that just doesn’t seem to get the hint.

3) Do delete their old emails and their handle from your online “buddy” lists

If you can bring yourself to DELETE all of the old emails between you, then do it. If that seems to drastic, at least put them onto a disc or burn them CD and put them somewhere where you won’t be tempted to continually re-read each one over and over. You just end up torturing yourself. I know I’ve done it!

Similarly to number two – remove and block them from your buddy lists. I know you think it’s a minor offense, even quite harmless, to keep in touch with your ex via email or instant messaging programs, but the only one you’re fooling is yourself. I’m guilty of that one too! Often you just end up spying on them, checking to see when they are on (and wondering who they are talking to if it’s not you!), analysing each message they send you, or worse yet, you get hurt when they tell you they are off “out” that night (and don’t say where). It’s an absolute nightmare, why put yourself through all that?

In a weird sort of way, keeping in touch electronically is a form of denial. It’s a way of staying in the relationship even when the other person isn’t physically there anymore.

After six months or so have passed, if you decide you want to, then you can add them back to your buddy list and allow them to see you again on theirs. Hopefully enough time will have past where you are better able to handle being in touch.

4) Don’t sit around staring at the mementos

Put away the letters, pictures and any personal belongings of your ex. Box them up and put them in a closet or somewhere equally out of sight. I have known some people to have ceremonial burnings, but that may be a bit drastic, and after you’re calmer and have healed, you may even regret it.

For starters, just box up all of the stuff until you feel ready to face it. Eventually you’ll be able to look at the holiday snaps without feeling sick to your stomach but not right now. In a year’s time, if you do still feel like torching the stuff, then do it somewhere safe – like the beach!

5) Do use a journal or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth

You should never underestimate the power of pouring the words out onto a page. This is even good for men. In fact, it’s generally exceptionally good for men, as a lot of men don’t have an outlet for their emotions and pain. During the healing process often we don’t feel like we are improving, and the notebook or diary will show you just how far you have come if you read it after a few weeks or months. It is incredibly cathartic and it just may stop you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. I highly recommend writing letters to your EX that you don’t actually send.

6) Do spoil yourself

This is something that both men and women can and need to do. Do something so simple as to having a manicure, facial or a massage. Or, maybe purchase that nifty gadget you’ve had your eye on. Both men and women can also benefit from picking up some new items of clothing that make us feel sexy. We all want to feel attractive. Treat yourself as you would want that someone ’special’ to treat you. Have candle lit dinners – with all of your favorite foods – just for you. You’re worth it.

7) Do buy new bedding & change your surroundings

It may sound silly but it’s very powerful step that you can take to cleanse the situation and start fresh. I have known some people to actually go out and buy whole new beds. If you can afford it, go for it. There is something to be said for sleeping in bedding with no history and no memories. The same can be said by changing the wallpaper or repainting an area – to make it more of your own. Surround yourself in your home with things that make you feel comfortable. Pictures of family and friends who really love you and support you are a very good start.

Don’t rebound

Give yourself plenty of time to heal from this break-up. Many people begin dating before they are really recovered. It is almost as if they get bored of the pain and the healing process, so they suddenly grab the next random person who happens to show a little kindness and BAM! It’s a fantastic theory but it doesn’t always work that way.

Try refrain from immediately trying to find someone to replace your EX and fill that void. Better to work through your pain fully before returning to the dating pool. While there is something to be said for rebound shags, they can sometimes do more harm than good. We’ve all heard “you can’t get over a man (or woman) until you get under another”. Don’t bet on it. Dating too soon often leads to comparisons to your EX, makes you feel lonelier than not dating did, and can actually set you back further, emotionally, than before you had started to date again. As much as we think this bright, sexy, intelligent person makes us feel so good, at the end of the day, they won’t really be able to fill this VOID in you. Only YOU can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself before you start to date again.

9) Don’t listen to the negative self-talk

Once we have been dumped, there is a tendency slip into negative “self talk” and to worry about so many things: if we will ever be loved again, have sex again, trust again or perhaps we worry we are too old, too fat, too dumb or too anything…to ever be happy and fulfilled again. That is highly unlikely, so relax! Dispel thoughts like that immediately and replace them with positive affirmations of your own self worth.

Remember, just because your EX may no longer find you desirable or want to be in a relationship with you, doesn’t mean that no one else ever will. It just means your EX doesn’t. So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of that.

10) Do take charge of your life – the world is your oyster

Use your time to alone to focus on yourself and your own goals in life. You can take a course in cooking, pick up a new hobby or learn seroc dancing – whatever you want. Buy a house, a motorcycle, travel the world, retrain for a new career or go for that promotion. The world is your oyster!

Get up off the sofa as soon as you can. While some regrouping time is necessary, at some point you should try to get in yourself back in shape and back in the land of the living. If you’ve lost a lot of weight (due to that lack of appetite!) then it’s time to put it back on – and vice versa. Start eating right and treating your body with the respect it deserves -it’s not the one who dumped you! Go running, walking, biking or to the gym to get the endorphins swimming through you. You’ll feel better if you do and you will project that to all you meet.

How will I know when I am really over my ex?” A good gauge is if you no longer harbor feelings and desires of getting back together. Not only that, but you can actually think of your EX having sex with someone else and it doesn’t feel like your heart’s just been ripped out of your chest and was stomped on.

Have you been dumped? Get advice from our friendly forum.

Being Jilted Help and Advice

Report: Being rejected increases many people’s motivation to pursue that elusive objective. But there’s a catch, say Stanford researchers. Being rebuffed, in fact, makes people less fond of what it is they think they want more. Once they obtain the desired goal, many are quicker to lose interest in it.

Playing hard to get is a timeworn technique for snagging that desired significant other. And there’s a reason, say Stanford researchers. Being rejected increases many people’s motivation to pursue that elusive objective—with a vengeance.

But there’s a catch. It turns out that being rebuffed, in fact, makes people less fond of what it is they think they want more. Once they obtain the desired goal, many are quicker to lose interest in it.

“For many people, wanting and liking are two separate things that can become contradictory,” says researcher Baba Shiv, professor of marketing at the Stanford Graduate School of Business. “When someone is thwarted from obtaining his original desire, he, in fact, comes to find the attractiveness and appeal of his target to be diminished. Yet, perversely, he may feel he wants it even more. The thrill becomes the chase.”

Those most susceptible to wanting the desired object more but liking it less, the authors found, are people who tend to feel and express emotions with a lower level of intensity. “People who are more hot-headed tend to respond to the denial experience by ramping down both their level of interest in the objective and their desire for it––their attitude becomes ‘it’s not so great, and I don’t want it anyway,” explains Ab Litt, a doctoral student at the Stanford Graduate School of Business who coauthored the study with Shiv and Uzma Khan, assistant professor of marketing. “There’s less contradiction because they’re more in tune with their raw feelings. They’re therefore more likely to make decisions that are going to make them happier in the long run.”

Interestingly, women in the study were more prone to the like less–want more syndrome than men. “That’s probably explained by the fact that they were somewhat less emotionally reactive than men,” suggests Litt. While women typically may experience and express emotions more richly, the researchers speculate, men may do so with more raw intensity, which influences how they take action on them.

In the study, participants were asked to solve several puzzles and were told that if their performance was in the top 25th percentile, they would receive a gift. Then, at random, some were told they had met the goal, while others were told that they had not.

Those who were denied the gift were then asked how much they would be willing to pay for it in a store. Participants who did not receive the gift were willing to pay more for it than those who later did actually receive it. “This shows that being rejected made them want it more,” says Shiv.

“Jilted” participants then completed a second set of tasks to obtain the same gift, and all were told they had won. They were subsequently asked whether they would like to trade the item for another of equal value. Significantly more subjects who had been denied the gift the first time were willing to trade it away than those who had received it on round one.

“This serves as a measure of how much they liked the item,” says Shiv. “Those who had been thwarted in getting it initially actually came to like it less. Being jilted causes people to want something more, but it also makes them feel more negative about it once they get it––and to not want to have anything to do with it.”

The study, to be published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, has implications for product marketing as well as personal relationships. One traditional technique to increase demand for an item, for example, is to create an artificial shortage. “The study shows that this approach will be effective as long as people get the item without a good deal of problems,” says Shiv. “But if they’re constantly frustrated, having to stand in line or return to the store only to find the item still not there, they may desire it more but quickly lose interest in it once they have it. The long-term success of the product will be doomed.”

Meanwhile, singles in pursuit of Mr. or Mrs. Right may want to keep in mind that it’s good to play hard to get—as long as it doesn’t get too hard.

—Marguerite Rigoglioso

Being Jilted Help and Advice

Coping with Breaking Up

Divorce, being dumped or deciding to end a relationship yourself.

Breaking Up Effect: Grief, despair, anger, sadness, guilt and disappointment are all common emotions you may feel when a relationship ends. You might also feel hopeless, lonely, tearful and unable to cope with everyday life.

Breaking Up Depression and Sadness Solutions: Give yourself time to grieve for the lost relationship.

Express emotions by crying, shouting or talking about them, and surround yourself with close family and friends who will support you.

Remove obvious reminders of your partner, like photos or clothes he/she left behind. Put them in a box so you don’t keep catching sight of them.

Write a letter to your ex-partner describing how you feel about the break-up, but don’t send it. Destroy it, or read it each day until you start to heal.

Make a list of things you didn’t like about him/her and read it often.

Think about what you learned from the relationship- about yourself and any new experiences you had.

Spring clean your living space and social life. Make a fresh start by making the decision to move on; meet new people, make new friends and take up new activities.

Get help coping with breaking up

Fear of Intimacy Advice

Cause of fear of intimacy: Being hurt in the past, having an emotionally and socially isolated childhood, and an introverted personality can all cause people to fear intimacy.

Effect of fear of intimacy: If you fear social intimacy you will build an emotional wall around yourself, withhold personal information from friends and family, and be afraid to reveal your true self. Even your partner may not know you emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. You may withdraw from people, lie, or be overly talkative to hide your real feelings. This leads to anxiety.

Solutions to fear of intimacy: Practice expressing your true feelings to people instead of hiding them. Eventually this will become a habit and you will feel less tense and vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to tell people when you are angry or upset- they will most likely have picked up on it by your body language anyway. Sharing negative emotions with your friends or partner can be very beneficial. Talk about personal and everyday experiences in an open, honest manner until it becomes second nature. Let people get to know the real you.

Get Fear of Intimacy Advice from our Discreet and Friendly Forum

Feeling Lonely Help

Cause: Low self esteem, divorce, a relationship break-up or life circumstances that cause you to become cut off from other people.

Effect: Feeling isolated, empty and disconnected from others and the world around you. You might also feel abandoned, insecure, anxious, depressed, hopeless and resentful.

Solutions: Therapy will help you to understand why you are lonely, and teach you how to get rid of negative thoughts. Group therapy may also be helpful. Hypnosis or anti-depressants can help you to break the cycle. Join a club that interests you in order to meet likeminded people. Getting a pet will also provide you with company and something to focus on.

If you feel that you have nobody to talk to and your life feels empty then there are certain things you can do to get yourself out of this emotional black hole.

Many people that suffer from feeling lonely also suffer from low self-esteem. There is no easy way around this and if you want to overcome feeling lonely, then you have to work hard to get yourself out of it.

When I first moved to the UK some sixteen years ago, the feeling of loneliness was totally overpowering. I was happily married, but stuck in the house all day whilst my husband was at work. I ended up sitting in front of the telly and watching every soap opera going, whilst eating a copious amount of unhealthy food. I knew nobody apart from my English husband and I felt totally isolated. I realised that the only person to get myself out of the situation I was in was myself.

So, I enrolled in a full-time business course at a local college and it changed everything around. Suddenly, I was meeting people every day and I was quickly making friends.

As life goes by, we never find ourselves in the same situation. You may split up with your partner or suffer an illness. Life can throw lots of surprises your way, but there are ways of combating feeling lonely and I have listed some points below, which has over the years helped me getting out of feeling lonely:

  • Smile! My grandmother always used to say that ‘life is too short to go around looking miserable – you will have a much better chance of getting to talk to someone if you have a cheerful disposition’. Lets face it, nobody wants to be around someone who is miserable, so although you are not feeling 100% cheerful, put on a smile and be friendly with whomever you meet.
  • Friends! Most people have at least one good friend and my advice is to look after your friends, because they are there to give you strength. If you have friends that get you down, then don’t see them. Meet up with friends who are positive!
  • Learn! Enrich your life by taking up a hobby of some sort. In my experience, everyone has a hidden talent. In my case, it was making jewellery and it is something that I will enjoy for the rest of my life. Whether or not it is watercolour painting or exercise, think about what you would like to do if you could choose anything!
  • Be friendly! I have found that being friendly to everyone I meet, makes people want to talk to me.
  • Read! If you enjoy reading as much as I do, then set aside some time to read books that you have always wanted to read.
  • Dance! Put on your favourite music and dance!
  • Spoil yourself! Indulge yourself at least once a week. It does not have to be expensive! My favourite indulgent is a scented bath, a glass of champagne and a good book. What is yours?

This list could go on forever, but bear in mind that life is too short to suffer from loneliness. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Open up your mind and set yourself a goal to make every day special.

Feeling Lonely Help in our Forums